Doctor Destiny 40 Posted October 20, 2004 Make them funny. Quagmire: Here's to the Drunken Clan where they don't ask for proof of age and neither do I. Cleveland: You forgot to say 'OH!' Quagmire: You sure? I think I did. Well, just to be safe, OH! Peter: Yeah, that's what they said about Benjamin Disraeli. Cut to Disraeli: You don't even know who I am. Peter: I know about this. I read about it in a book. Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?! Peter: Oh yeah. Brian: Peter, did you even read the fine print on this loan contract? Peter: If by read you mean imagined a naked lady, then yes. Brian: Uh, how was your shower? Peter: Oh, I tell ya Brian, all the rumors about dropping the soap are true. Brian: Really? Peter: Oh yeah, you can't hold onto that thing to save your life. Oh, it was slipping all over the place. Guys were laughing. Peter: Hey, Lois, look! The two symbols of the Republican party: an elephant and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change. Brian: Gosh, I'd like to help you, Peter, but I've got to go out in the hall and chew on the back of my ass for about five minutes. Chris: Dad, what would you say if I told I didn't want to be in the Scouts? Peter: I'd say, 'Come again?' and I'd laugh as I said, 'Come.' Peter: Y2K? What are you selling, chicken or sex jelly? Death: Hey Lois, what did you make this cocoa out of, crap? Lois: If you want me to make it again, just -- Death: Oh, I'm sorry. I just thought you were going to make it with milk, not crap. Lois: I guarantee you a man made that commercial. Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial Lois, not a delicious thanksgiving dinner. Diane Simmons: Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous closet-case. Tom Tucker: Bit of breaking news, we now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane. Share this post Link to post
Luk3us 63 Posted October 23, 2004 Well they're already funny so whats to do? Anyway here are a few one liners I use on various occasions... Ya don't need to swear untill ya learn to drive. Change is inevitable..........except of course from vending machines. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others. Always borrow money from pessimists..... ya don't have to pay em' back. Share this post Link to post
Tree 0 Posted October 27, 2004 I say "You dont have any friends so it doesnt really matter" alot to people off. Share this post Link to post
Khyber 0 Posted October 29, 2004 Ok, all by the famous homer: - Guys are always patting my bald head for luck, pinching my belly to hear my girlish laugh... - This donut has purple in the middle, purple is a fruit. - You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? - Ooh, I love your magazine. Especially the 'Enrich Your Wordpower' section. I think it's really...really... really...good. - Hello? Operator! Give me the number for 911! - Heh Heh Heh! Lisa! Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos! - I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. - Son, when you participate in sporting events, its not whether you win or loose, its how drunk you get. Share this post Link to post
PhantomX 0 Posted December 1, 2004 Base Commander to Engineering Dept.: "We don't have time to dig trenches, we'll just have to buy them ready-made". OR... Base Commander to troops: "You're guys are going to run out there and charge the enemy. Some of you are going to get hurt or even killed, and all the while I'll be in here thinking what suckers you guys are". Share this post Link to post
SoNiC_ThE_HedGeHoG 0 Posted December 1, 2004 I once asked this literary agent, uh, what kind of writing paid the best... he said, "Ransom notes." Share this post Link to post
General immeyourenot 0 Posted December 1, 2004 All your base are belong to us :lol: "If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." - George Gobel Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we. - George Bush Share this post Link to post
Gazdude 0 Posted December 2, 2004 "Jeez, if your IQ was any lower you'd need watering wouldn't you" - The New Statesman Share this post Link to post
SoNiC_ThE_HedGeHoG 0 Posted December 2, 2004 ''If i had a nickle for every time a ex girlfriend went and got a sex change and then wanted to see me again ID HAVE A NICKLE'' Share this post Link to post
Malebranche 0 Posted December 3, 2004 "I'd like to create homepages but I don't know what they eat." Share this post Link to post
Tsing Shi Tao 0 Posted December 14, 2004 A few good ones: "They couldn't hit an elephant at this dis--" "Jesus is coming. Look busy." "What the greasy poop?" "Your turning into a penguin. Stop it." "... which could, as mom's everywhere warn, poke an eye out." Share this post Link to post
General immeyourenot 0 Posted December 14, 2004 "Do you have any pets?", "no but I have a dog" Share this post Link to post
General immeyourenot 0 Posted December 15, 2004 no, but it fits on one line :wink: . Its just that I was talking to a friend in German lessons & hew said that. Share this post Link to post
Mario 0 Posted January 27, 2005 here are a few of mine from game of course marine: Dear sarge in oter space kicking ass wish you were here Sergeant Johnson: i heard that jackass guard:join the legion see the world freeze ur arse marine:did i give you permission to bitch Sergeant Johnson: dont they teach you kids to swear in basic anymore marine:i pooped my pants so what marine:i'd run if i saw me too female marine:take of ur mask u cant be that ugly marine:i didnt want to kill you but your just too ugly to let live marine: "your just the right hight to kiss my ass." Female Marine: Take off your mask so you can suck this! Sergeant Johnson:Dear humanity, we regret being alien bastards, we regret coming to Earth, and we regret that the Corps just blew-up our ragged-ass fleet!" - Marines:hoorah I gave a marine a plasma pistol and he was like "ah thanks Chief now i can shoot myself." Sergeant Johnson- when i joined the core we didnt have any fancy arse tanks, we had STICKS. TWO sticks and a rock, for the whole platoon, and we had to share the rock. Grunt:"AHHH! please dont kill, I like Elites, Brutes stinky bad bad. I know... i whatch big Arbitor's back, make sure no one sneek up! ok? and pretty much anything else Sergeant Jonshon says yeh i know majority of this is from halo 2 but its all good n funny Share this post Link to post
BWare 0 Posted January 27, 2005 "There is no avoiding war; it can only be postponed to the advantage of others." -Niccolò Machiavelli "We have a solution for war. It is to expand the sphere of liberty." -Rudolph Rummel "Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum". ("If you wan't peace, prepare for war") -Flavius Vegetius Renatus "War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself." -John Stuart Mill "An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last." -Sir Winston Churchill "May God have mercy on my enemies because I won't" -General George S. Patton Ahhh... good stuff Share this post Link to post
General immeyourenot 0 Posted January 27, 2005 "you sir are drunk" "And you ma'am are ugly, but in the morning I will be sober" - Winston Churchill not one line but it deserves a mention Share this post Link to post
Mario 0 Posted January 27, 2005 The goal of all life is death. Sigmund Freud All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsions, habit, reason, passion, desire. Aristotle What does not destroy me, makes me stronger. Friedrich Nietzsche What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Friedrich Nietzsche "The tenor of my life has been the opposite of everything that is vile, and no man can lay any such thing to my charge. I have reason to rejoice that these writings have appeared. They are a vindication of the order and of my conduct. I can and must declare to God, and I do it now in the most solemn manner, that in my whole life I never saw or heard of the so much condemned secret writings, and in particular, respecting these abominable means; such as poisoning, abortion etc. Was it ever known to me in any case that any of my friends or aquaintences ever even thought of them. I was indeed always a schemer and projector, but never could engage much indetail. My general plan is good, though in the detail there may be faults. I had myself to form. In another situation, and in an active station in life, I should have been keenly occupied, and the founding of an order would have never come into my head. But I would have executed much greater things, had not government always opposed my exertions, and placed others in situations which would have suited my talents. It was the full conviction of this, and of what could be done, if every man were placed in the office for which he was fitted by nature and a proper education, which first suggested to me the plan of Illumination. I did not bring Deism into Bavaria more than into Rome. I found it here, in great vigour, more abounding than in any of the neighboring Protestant States. I am proud to be known to the world as the founder of the Illuminati." -- Adam Weishaupt Share this post Link to post
General immeyourenot 0 Posted January 27, 2005 "If there really was a God there would be no religion" - Albert Einstein Share this post Link to post