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Azrael

Collaboration With My Classmate

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Well... Here goes nothing... I am collaborating with my classmate on this... It's kind of like an original kind of fantasy... Yet I didn't want it to simply be a story, I wanted people to see the characters the way I saw them... And since they're based on my classmate, I collaborated with our class artist. The artwork is only part 1, since only a fraction (about 1/3) of the total number of characters are there in the drawing. Kindly view the drawing, along with Chapter 1 of my story (the introduction), if you want. Comments are accepted.

 

Luna_Sanguinius_Characters_1_by_rzr69erz.jpg

My DeviantArt Profile

 

P.S. Don't be too critical about the drawing or writing... She (my classmate) used only a Mongol #2 Pencil and Titus Ballpen for the whole thing... While I simply made the story up while in the middle of class, and polished it slightly on the laptop. Still, negative comments are ok... Just not TOO negative. Thanks.

Edited by Sonic

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Any comments yet?

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um why a german emo and what the magica thing?

other than that its pretty cool

Edited by TIBERAEMO

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I thought it was awesome but at the end of chapter 1 when you're introducing all the characters it just feels like too much, too many names at once might be just me but that's just what it felt like, I like how you threw the reader in and then they had to figure out wtf is going on that's a pretty awesome way to start.

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Thanks for the comments! I'm going to post chapter 3 real soon. Also, my classmate is working on set 2 of the characters.

 

 

P.S. The emo is based on my emo-haired classmate. His pronunciation of English words is kinda awkward, so the character fits him. He isn't a real emo, though. I'll tell you all about my inspirations soon.

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maybe we could get a writer's journal like Zee's developer diaries or whatever he called them :P

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Nice idea. Btw, Chapter 3 is out now; check it out!

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As of this writing, Chapter 35 (in paper) is about to be finished (after 3 days of work, thank God), and Chapter 4: Aftermath is now on DeviantArt!

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As of this writing, Chapter 35 (in paper) is about to be finished (after 3 days of work, thank God), and Chapter 4: Aftermath is now on DeviantArt!

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I'll read em as soon as I get rid of linux (I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO WORK GRUB AHHHHHHH!!!) *reformats*

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Chapter 2 is good but doesn't feel like it advances the story much, and this could be me but I don't remember the smaller characters at all :lol: it's probably because it's been a bit since I read chapter 1

 

Edit: CMON WRITE CHAPTER 5 CHAPTER 4 WAS A CLIFFHANGER! (that means it pwned and so did 3)

Edited by mormreed

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I took a good look at the first two chapters. Your main problem is transitions, as it seems to jump from area to area rather than flow. This is two-fold with the duels, as it seemed to go from "Hay guyz how are you?" to "I HATE YOU LETS FIGHT". Another transition problem was that the jump from a bunch of kids hanging out to a demon invasion had the subtlety of the Death Star. Also, a minor problem I noticed is that the characters aren't that original,

 

However, the duels themselves are rather well written, and so is the dialog. I also liked the Elder Scrolls reference. The concept itself is a great concept, and I can tell that you put 50cc's of effort into it.

 

So, the ways you can improve this RP are:

 

Make the transitions smoother.

Make the characters a bit more original.

Include more witty one liners.

Improve grammar.

Include a Dr. Cox or Dr. Rodney McKay-esque character. Not needed. It'd just be cool. ;)

 

 

If you need help with any of the writing(transitions, one-liners, characters, etc.) just ask me. My specialty is dialog and transitions, and I can come up with an awesome one-liner or dialog for any situation under the sun.

 

Composite Score: 73% out of 100%(Higher is better. PC Gamer Magazine-style scoring)

Edited by Dr. Rodney McKay

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Thanks. It might be a bummer, but I'm already on 36... Can't have time to go back, so I'll try to integrate your suggestions on 36 onwards. Sorry about it. As for grammar, well I thought it was ok (at least, MS Word 07' said so)... Anyway, 5 & 6 are coming up, and a colored version (still unpolished) is coming up.

 

Luna_Sanguinius_Characters_1_1_by_rzr69erz.jpg

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MS Word's spell and grammar check is on LSD.

 

Think I can help in the writing a chapter or two? I won't interfere with the main story at all, I'll just have a separate sub-plot running that will eventually further the plot.

 

Or, maybe we could crossover your story with the story I'm writing. Either way works.

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thats wicked chapter 5 and 6 are gud as well

 

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Nice drawing. Glanced through the story (tight schedules you see). You could refine teh sentences and paragraphs a bit more and make it easier on the eye as well. I suggest separating the dialogue from the main paragraph, something like this:

 

Sensei Koetsu handed a katana, made of daemon steel and dragon scale.

“Do you understand the great responsibility that you are receiving right now?”

“Yes,” replied Seiwa, “But I think that you should explain everything to my friends. After all, I’m not the only one involved in this anymore.”

So they all gathered in the classroom. Anxiety grew in the air; finally, answers would be given.

 

Aside from that, it's looking like a great story you've got going there. :)

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Thanks! Well, it looks like I agree with Dr. Rodney McKay... Although, what with me already at 36, I'd have to send him a copy A.S.A.P., and that would greatly help me, what with April coming up, and with the clearance requirements... I'll drop you a copy, maybe this week when I'm finished. Thanks for the offer! And thanks to everyone who gave a comment; I greatly appreciate it!

 

 

P.S. Chapter 7 is out! Later this day I'll upload 8 as well. Don't rant about 7; it's just a cliffhanger episode.

Edited by Azrael

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Well, uh, lots of plot twists... I'll explain further by PM.

 

 

 

Btw, I think we'll start on 36... So it'll be pretty far from the currently released ones, since I really twisted the plot.

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Notification to everyone expecting Chapter 9 and onwards; slight delay. Something's wrong with DeviantArt; my internet goes kablooey everytime I try to upload anything. I'll notify if situation changes and I start uploading again (don't worry, I'll squeeze 9 to 13B in one upload session). Anyway, the end is near; 13B (or 14) is the last Chapter for the 1st arc. Be warned; the 2nd arc gets REALLY TWISTED. But that arc is a bit of a cliffhanger; 3rd arc will end everything.

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Yes... Meet my new partner-in-crime, er, partner in writing! But everyone'll have to wait for a while still for his part; it's for the 3rd Arc. But still, it'll add a new dimension to the story...

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Urgent update: all remaining chapters, 9-13 (both parts A & B) have been uploaded. Please tell me your opinions about the first arc. The second arc will be uploaded soon enough, don't fret. Also, v.1.3 of the Characters Set 1 is now up; it shows Ichiren's hair as blue, similar to that of Ayanami Rei from Neon Genesis Evangelion. If you think about it, Ichiren is quite similar to Rei Ayanami, especially they eyes, and subsequently, the hair in v.1.3.

 

Luna_Sanguinius_Characters_1_3_by_rzr69erz.jpg

 

 

 

 

P.S. Don't freak and think that I made a cliffhanger; the first arc can stand alone on its own without the second arc, although the 2nd arc adds a lot of new story elements.

Edited by Azrael

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Requesting opinions about 1st Arc...

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