Adventures In The Supermarket

[Doctor Destiny 41]

Have you ever selected an item in the supermarket and put it in someone else's cart? Then you realize what you're doing and you get this sort of alien feeling?

 

"Wait! This is not my cart. Look at this! Brown flour and sheep entrails. God, I almost put my capers in this cart. Where's mine? Oh, there it is! The one with the tapioca cupcakes and the mango popsicles. Thank God."

 

Or have you ever started to walk off with someone else's cart?

"Hey! That's my stuff!"

 

You have to think fast. "Not yet it isn't! It's not paid for. Technically, these things still belong to all of us. And I feel like shopping out of your cart, that's what I'll do. Let's see, any organic scallions in there? What's this? Elk milk? That'll be just fine. You may leave now."

 

I've found the best way to shop for food is to work up a really big appetite. Fast for several days, smoke a couple of joints, take $700....and go to the supermarket! It's great. You buy everything!

 

"Wow! Canned bread! Just what I need!"

 

And all the good things, the things you really love and can't do without? Well, you buy two of them, because you know you're going to eat one of them on the way home at a red light.

 

Shopping hungry is great; you just keep loading things into your cart. But then, after several aisles, you realize you may have overdone it: You find yourself pushing a motorcade of three carts, all tied together with long loops of string cheese. Once again, you've lost control.

 

And so, as you begin to realize you don't have enough money to pay for everything, you begin to put back some of the more expensive items. Like meat.

 

"Meat? Twenty-seven dollars? Bull****! I'll put back these steaks and grab a few more pound cakes. The kids shouldn't be eating meat, anyway."

 

The nicest thing about putting things back in the supermarket is that you can put them anywhere you want. No one cares. You can leave the Robitussin next to the ham hocks and stick the marshmallows in with the Bacon Bits. They don't care. They have people who come around at midnight to straighten that stuff out, and in the morning everything is back wheremit belongs.

 

By the way, next time you shop at a supermarket in a neighborhood that his higher than avergae marijuana use, take a look at the cookie section. Combat zone. Half the packages have been opened, and all the really good cookies are gone.

 

"Where the hell are the Mallomars?"

 

"Oh, we can't get Mallomars into the store. Folks line up at the loading dock for Mallomars."

 

There are always plenty of crappy cookies. You ever notice that? ****ty, low-priced local cookies? Like "Jim's Home-Style Cookies. Twenty-six varities." I say, "Damn, Jim, if you can't make cookies in twenty-five tries leave me out."

 

Time to head home, folks. Let's get on the checkout line here and read People magazine. By the way, I must admit I'm a real sucker on the checkout line. I'm an impulse buyer. Anything that's on display, I want it. I even buy things other people left behind.

 

"Wow! Extra spicy diet fudge raisin tartar sauce. Must be a sale. Great. I got the last one!"

 

One last thought: have you ever been on the express line and tried to convince the tough-looking Hispanic girl with the tattoos that twenty-seven packages of hot dogs are really just one item? I'm always grateful when she gives in. "Go ahead, mister, it's quicker than beating the **** out of you."

[F15pilotX 4]

Wow, spending $700 on groceries but yea, it is fun to just go there w/a lot of money and buy w/e you feel like buying...for me, local egg nog, good cookies, some candy, and a soda or two is good

[Tree 0]

Fen, hilarious

[F15pilotX 4]

Hmmm...just thought of this...Tree, how did you get your nickname?

 

sry about the randomness...come to think of it, I've never really had any grocery store adventures :lol:

[Tree 0]

I'm a tall guy (6'8''), and I've always been tall. When I was 8 or 9, my older brother said something about me being a tree. And the name stuck.

 

I've had some grocery store adventures. But that was in an international market. Ahh the fun of bartering with Indians who know no English.

[BWare 0]

Fen, very funny. Did you write that just now?

 

And Tree, holy cow dude! That is very tall. Now I understand the nickname!

[Saracen 16]

Very amusing, sums up ever shopper that shops at supermarkets... One thing I'd like to point out...

 

The nicest thing about putting things back in the supermarket is that you can put them anywhere you want. No one cares. You can leave the Robitussin next to the ham hocks and stick the marshmallows in with the Bacon Bits. They don't care. They have people who come around at midnight to straighten that stuff out, and in the morning everything is back wheremit belongs.

 

What people don't realise that this causes the store to just throw away the food if it's not where it's supposed to be... I've had frozen produce, bread, and even cans of beer put in my freezer department before... Once I didn't notice that one and it almost exploded in a customers face. I was pissed off about that I can tell ya.

 

What makes me laugh is that even people who don't believe in wasting food do it without considering the complications it causes. alot of us have enough on our plates without having to deal with thawed out goods or exploding beer cans to deal with.. Customers who do this really tick me off!

[Tree 0]

Exploding beer. That sounds fun. Except when it's in a customer's face.

[F15pilotX 4]

yeah, that would be funny to watch :lol:

[BWare 0]

Tree, that's an awesome new avatar.

 

"I've got a fever... and the only prescription... is more cowbell" :lol:

[Luk3us 63]

.... Hmm.. I was waiting for the punch line, but it just didn't happen... Meh... :?

[TheBlackOut 7]

Ha. Story. Funny.

[Acerz492 1]

Brilliant Fenring, absolutly brilliant.

 

Though one wonders what you actually do with all the useless junk you impulsively buy. :wink:

[F15pilotX 4]

Invite friends over if it's about to go stale/bad

[Acerz492 1]

We do that regardless, so that rules out that idea. :wink:

[F15pilotX 4]

Yeah, same here, but I mean, basically have a party w/10-20 people