Jokes you know that we don't

[_Gryphon 0]

Okay, I'm bored and was just looking at a joke site so i decided we could have a joke thread here. Blonde jokes and Redneck jokes are allowed, as well as riddles, one-liners, and funny things you see on T-shirts or Bumper Stickers. no Page-and-a-half jokes please.

[Guest Rabbit]

They're Allowed? Look the thing about these forums is, you can make a thread, but only the admins decide what are allowed.

[Saracen 16]

I see no problem if we keep it to this one thread. Just keep em clean and tatseful though guys. Anyone abusing this simple rule will be the person who gets it locked. But other than that, knock yourselves out. I could do with some humour

[Guest Rabbit]

So a chick walks into a bar.

 

Ouch.

[_Gryphon 0]

1 that wasn't funny

 

2 by "allowed" i meant that the thread was intended for such things, No i cant prevent you from posting other things, but it would suck if someone took up a whole page with one joke.

[Guest Rabbit]

Hey, no need to scuffle. I was just making sure.

[_Gryphon 0]

Uh huh, like you were really worried that it was a threat.

[TheBlackOut 7]

1. A eagle eats a fish. HAHA!

 

A rabi, priest, and...

[Luk3us 63]

Hmm... Might be locked after this but meh. I like this one

 

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the

following reasons:

 

1. I do physical labor.

2. I work at great depths.

3. I plunge head first into everything I do.

4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

5. I work in a damp environment.

6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.

7. I work in high temperatures.

8. My work exposes me to diseases.

_______________________________

 

Dear Penis,

 

After assessing your request, and considering the

arguments you have raised, the management denies your

request for the following reasons:

 

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.

2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH

brief work period.

3. You do not always follow the orders of the

management team.

4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are

often seen visiting other locations.

5. You do not take initiative - you need to be

pressured and stimulated in order t! o start working.

6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of

your shift.

7. You dont always observe necessary safety

regulations, such as wearing the correct protective

clothing.

8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.

9. You are unable to work double shifts.

10. You sometimes leave your designated work area

before you have completed the assigned task.

11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been

seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two

suspicious-looking bags.

 

Sincerely, The Management

[_Gryphon 0]

that is sick and twisted. Yes it's funny, but that is just wrong!

 

You know that you are a blonde when:

you trip over a cordless phone

you attempt to put m&ms in alphabetical order

you get frustrated when you can't change the channel on the microwave

you call your friend Tammy to find out her phone number

 

You know you are a red neck when:

You put IOUs in the donation bowl at church

a "night on the town" lasts under ten minutes

you begin stories with"back when mom and dad were brother and sister..."

you go to family reunions to pick up chicks

[Guest Rabbit]

Don't ever let a blonde play on your computer.

 

 

When she's done, the joystick will be all wet.

[_Gryphon 0]

It's just like you never let a blond drive a stick shift.

[BWare 0]

Luk3us, that was very funny. I normally hate immature humor like that, but that was actually really clever. :lol:

 

However, I think this thread has a dim future...

[_Gryphon 0]

However, I think this thread has a dim future...

 

Yeah, it's not quite what i thought it would be.

[Alphabear 13]

hehe one i heard just recently

 

whats the fastest game in the world?

 

a game of pass the parcle in a Belfast pub

[Riparius 0]

You know you are a red neck when:

you begin stories with"back when mom and dad were brother and sister..."

you go to family reunions to pick up chicks

Now these are sick and twisted...

 

My friend made a T-shirt with this on the front: "There are two people having sex on the back of my shirt" And on the back of the shirt was: "Just kidding, believe in Jesus"

 

About 99% of people who walked past us looked at the back of his shirt

[_Gryphon 0]

My friend Danae has a shirt that says "Kiss me quick before my boyfriend comes back" and another one that says "ha ha. go ahead laugh, this is your boyfriends shirt"

[Saracen 16]

The Origins of EMO

 

[rEdaSbLood 1]

ok a blonde walks into an electronic store,

she gets the attention of an employee and says "i want to buy this TV"

 

-the guy says "we don't sell to blonds"

 

the next day the blond walks in the store witha brown-haired wig

she asks "can i buy this TV?"

 

-the guy again says "we don't sell to blonds"

 

so another day goes by and she comes in with a whole disguise that makes her look like a man...and asks "can i buy this TV?"

 

-the guy says again "we don't sell to blonds"

 

so the blond gets mad and takes her disguise off and asks "How did you know i was blond????""

 

-the guy then says ..."because thats not a TV its a microwave...."

[TheBlackOut 7]

The Origins of EMO

 

 

 

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: OMG LOL! This is actually an EMO kid at our school who likes Pokieman.

[Cygnus X-1 14]

as far as jokes go, these are unbelievably lame

 

You Know your a redneck if....

[*] your uncle died of electrocution while peeing on an electric fence

[*] you own 15 cars, and the only one that runs is your house

[*] your dad walks you to school because hes in the same grade as you

[*] your 1st class lugage consists of a Cooler and 5 rolls of duct-tape

[*] your porch collapsed and you had to get 16 new dogs to replace the ones lost

[*] if you think the nutcracker is a high dive move you did when you were six

[*] the preacher says "Bubba, please do the reading for today" and 12 people stand up

 

If Assholes could fly, this place would be an airport

 

"Lost your cat ? LOOK UNDER MY TIRES !!"

 

"Horn Broken, watch for finger"

 

"Six by nine, is in fact 42."

"It is ?"

"Almost as certainly as you arent ever certain"

"What the hell was that ?!"

"A flying chesterfield sofa! Quick, jump on !!"

[_Gryphon 0]

This is the diary of a blonde about her cooking:

 

MONDAY:It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

 

TUESDAY:Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

 

WEDNESDAY:A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

 

THURSDAY:Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

 

FRIDAY:I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

 

SATURDAY:Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

 

SUNDAY:Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger,much to my disappointment.

 

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.

[Cygnus X-1 14]

/ its ok. but its a start :wink:

[Dark_Kodiak 0]

Some stuff to start off with

 

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma.

 

Save your breath... you'll need it to blow up your date.

 

PICK THE WORST

 

- Your boyfriend/girlfriend dumps you.

- Your boss fires you.

 

- Being eaten alive.

- Being buried alive.

 

http://www.amazingcamera.com/

 

 

INDIAN HUNTING

 

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sarsaparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.

 

The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars."

 

The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head.

 

The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.

 

Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy."

 

Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this."

 

Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand."

 

But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."

 

So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians.

 

Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh . . . my . . . God . . .. we're going to be millionaires!"

[_Gryphon 0]

hahahahahahaha. here goes:

 

yo mama so fat she saw a school bus full of white kids and thought it was a twinkie.

 

Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up

 

Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world

 

Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy

 

Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions

 

No offense to anyone's mothers